losing my Mom

My Mom passed away in June and its been awful to move forward (and surely to pretend that everything is okay by posting to this blog). I have been trying my best for Emma Clover. She doesn’t understand my mourning. She is in her own relationship with a mother that so much a part of her life that my not being there is out of the realm of understanding. To be a mother has been enlightening on how selfish children are. But this life of mine now is about our journey, with maiki too. The deep sadness is there but also so much appreciation for those around me.

I have felt so much stress and anxiety around the pandemic that I needed this summer to be about giving Emma more normal experiences. Going to the pool. Going to the home schooler park days. Visiting family in Los Angeles. Being with people again. So far its been a success. I felt wounded and fragile at first but now but I am feeling a little better as the days go on. The happiness of others helps me when I feel heavy. My neices wedding, Emma’s excitement for swimming, maiki’s infectious love of learning. I am working on the idea its okay to slowly feel okay. And its okay to cry too.